ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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