Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
