Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
