Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think my moral compass just broke
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize