I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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