I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
