i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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