so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize