i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
