Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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