I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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