if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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