dude i'm inner monologue high
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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