i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
