I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
