I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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