while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
