my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
