Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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