i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
