The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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