Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
