Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
