3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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