You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize