I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
