I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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