i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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