i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
