I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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