Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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