Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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