DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
