Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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