God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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