Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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