I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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