i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
