my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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