maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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