It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
