did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
