Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
