That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
