Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
