I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
