Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
