I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
