woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
