Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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