the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
