God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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