Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
