And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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